I faked an abortion last night.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
