I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
