party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
