your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
