did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize