I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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