I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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