he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
