He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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