I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
