Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
