I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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