I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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