The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
this is an emotional support booty call
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
