I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
