idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
