Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
