I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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