When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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