I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
