My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
