His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
