At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
