did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
