if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
