i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
