I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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