Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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