There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
