The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
