Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
