So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
