The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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