His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
