god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.