I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.