I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We need to feng shui this bitch.