I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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