He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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