I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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