I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
