Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
