Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
