my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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