Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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