I'm gonna have a badass scar
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
