Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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