I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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