i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
