omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Screwed.edu
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
