Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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