Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
