I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So vagazzling was a success
This can only be settled by a dance off.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
