If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
