Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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