drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
