I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.