He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.