if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
