Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
