Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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