Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
