I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am available for nakedness
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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