I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
