Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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